Nash Fung's TEDx Talk: "How To Support Someone Without Having The Solution"

In the beginning of my magician career.
I would do magic at a moms and pops’ Mexican restaurant.
And my job is to approach a table and be like
“Good evening, welcome to the restaurant” (Nash produces fire from his wallet)
And I’ll do 5 tricks.
And then I’ll go to the next table.
“Good evening, welcome to the restaurant” (Nash produces fire from wallet)
And do the EXACT, SAME, 5 tricks.
The next table, same 5 tricks.
And so on, and so on.
But one night, as I approached a table, a lady pulled out a deck of playing cards from her purse (Nash brings out a deck of cards from jacket pocket).
She asked: “Can you do some magic with my playing cards”
I thought she was trying to challenge me.
And then she added a request: “Can you please be careful and respectful to the cards? My sister is printed in it”
When I looked down at the cards, I stood frozen like this.
Because in my hands was not an ordinary deck of playing cards.
In my hands, was a deck
of cold case
homicide
playing cards
On every single card, they had printed details about a case
that had gone cold.
Including her sister’s
And they print these cards because they want to bring more awareness to these cases.
hoping that somebody might know some information might come forward,
to help solve the crime, and bring some closures to families,
like this lady.
At that moment, I had a decision to make.
Do I continue with my magic act?
Or do I drop the magic and acknowledge this lady even though it is something very heavy?
I think sometimes in life, we are confronted with similar situations.
Have you ever known a friend, family member, classmate, co-worker, someone in your circle
that you know are going through a difficult time,
yet you hesitate to reach out to them.
Because
1) you don’t know what to say
2) you don’t know how to help them solve their problems
I’m guilty of that as well.
But you see, besides being a magician, I have the privilege to volunteer on the crisis line for the last 16 years.
Helping people in crisis  by providing emotional support, empathy. Help them stay focus on the present so they can simply get through the night.
What I learn is that ironically, if you don’t know what to say or how to solve others’ problems, ACTUALLY allows you to better support someone else.
Now why would I say that?
(Nash moves to back of stage to retrieve magic props on a stand, bring it back to red dot)
In the bag I have got a puzzle, and the first thing is quite literally, a puzzle
(Nash takes out rubix cube)
It is a Rubix Cube. The second thing, I hope the microphone can pick it up
(Nash leans closer to the bag with microphone, bang the glass jar inside the paper bag with Rubix Cube to create noise)
The second thing is a glass jar
(Nash takes out glass jar)
Now clearly, this jar is way too small for the cube to fit into it.
If you are to think of a creative solution to put the cube into the jar, how would you do it?
(Crowd: Break it)
Yes, break up the cube into small pieces, and then?
(Crowd: Put it in the jar)
Put it into the jar piece by piece, like a ship in a bottle.
Great.
But if, I have a solution that does not involve breaking the cube at all?
Would you want to see it?
(Crowd: YES)
Would you want to see it?
(Crowd: YES)
Great. But what if I tell you, my solution is not going to work right now?
And neither is your solution.
And that’s because when we are so focused on “solving the problem” 
We didn’t even notice that
nothing could fit in the jar.
And that’s because this jar is not empty.
This jar, is filled to the brim, with water
(Nash picks up jar, removes the lid to show it is filled with water)
So the first thing we have to do, is not to think about how to solve the problem.
The first thing we gotta do, is to dump out the water
(Nash retrieves a glass from the table, empties the water from the jar into the glass)
But once the water is out of the jar. I can show you something that’ll blow your mind away
Here’s the jar, here’s the cube
(Nash puts jar & cube inside the bag)
My friend in the front, would you be able to come toward the edge of the stage?
(Front audience walks toward edge of stage)
Please grab on to the top of the bag.
(volunteer grabbing bag from the top)
here’s the cube, here’s the jar
(padding each side of the bag to indicate where they are inside the bag)
Watch this, 1,2,3
(Nash smashes the bag to indicate there’s now only one item in the bag)
Check this out, inside the jar, is now the rubix cube
(Nash takes out the jar with the Rubix cube inside, shows it to the camera to have it projected on big screen, throws away empty paper bag)
Let’s give our volunteer a big hand.

Now, why did I show you that trick?
You see, when we are so focused on solving the problem, we didn’t even notice that the jar was full of water already.
(Nash puts his hand at chest level to represents the jar was full of water)
Similarly, how do you think someone feels when they are overwhelmed, having a difficult time, or in crisis?
(Nash keeps hand at chest level to visually indicated the person feels similar to a jar that is full)

In a 2014 study, researchers discovered that active listening helps someone else feel understood and cared for more than giving unsolicited advice.

That’s why the first thing we do on the crisis line, is to resist jumping into problem solving immediately.
Instead, we want to make sure the other person feels listened to, understood, and supported first.
Quote unquote, we help them dump their water out first, before we talk about problem solving.

And the reason we do that is simple.
Imagine you have been with your significant other for 5 years.
And you JUST discovered that they were cheating on you the whole year last year.
You just broke up. You are shocked, betrayed, hurt.
You told your best friend what happened.
And the FIRST THING your friend said to you is
“I got it. Here, why don’t we hit the town tonight? We can help you meet someone new”
“In fact, I have an idea. Why don’t I help you set up a new dating profile so you can meet someone new!”
(Audience laughs)
How would you feel when your friend jumped into problem solving right away?
Do you feel supported?
So if you don’t know how to solve someone else’s problems.
It can actually be an advantage.
Because then you can simply focus on being there to support them, to listen first.
Now, how did this knowledge help the lady at the restaurant ?
When she gave me the cards and she told me her sister is printed in it.
Instead of thinking about what magic I could do with her playing cards to solve the problem
I put the cards down on the table.
So I can acknowledge her and validate her.
And that can be scary sometimes
Because, we don’t know what to say, to someone, right?
What I’ve learned from the crisis line, is that you don’t need to say anything clever, inspiring, or enlightening to support them.
The best thing to do, is to simply ask a question.
Listen with the intent to understand them.
And then paraphrase it back to them in a way that makes them feel listened to, understood, and supported.
So, when she gave me the cards.
I simply acknowledged her and told her. That I’m sorry that something so tragic happened to your family.
And I ask if she was close with her sister
She said “yes”, they were very close.
I let that sink in for a second to absorb what she said.
And I paraphrased it back to her and told her
that it must have been extremely painful and difficult to have lost someone so close to you.
Now, did I say anything clever, inspiring, or even enlightening to this lady?
No I did not
But during this conversation, did she feel acknowledged, feel listened to, understood, and supported?
Most definitely.
And because she felt that.
She felt comfortable to show me how her sister looked like.
And when she took out the card, I noticed something.
(Nash walks across stage)
I noticed that: she never played with these cards.
Because these cards are still in pristine, new deck order.
Every deck of cards come in this order
Ace,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,Jack,Queen,King of clubs
(Nash spreads cards on table, camera projecting the magic on the big screen)
Ace thru King of hearts, Ace thru king of  diamonds, and Ace thru king of spades
When I noticed that, I had an idea of what I could do with her cards.
I asked if I can borrow her sister’s card
Let’s say it was the Queen of Hearts.
(Nash takes out the queen of hearts)
I lost it in the middle of the deck, gave it a few shuffles
(Nash puts the queen of hearts in the middle and shuffle cards)
And then, I turn half the cards face up, another half face down
(Nash turns top half of the deck face up, bottom half remain face down)
and I shuffle them together, face up, and face down
(Nash shuffles the 2 halves of cards together)
Some go up, some go down, some go up, some go down
(Nash cuts cards into different piles to show up and down situation)
Even though the entire deck is mixed up in its order and orientation
I asked the lady to put her hand on the cards
(Nash gathers cards into one pile, put one hand on them)
And I snapped my fingers.
And when I spread the cards, every single card turned back face down. Every single one of them
(Nash spreads cards to show all cards are now face down)
except for one card, and that is, the Queen of Hearts
(Nash spreads cards in the middle to show the Queen of hearts is now face up)
(Audience applauses)
but right away I had to apologize to the lady
I told her “I remember you said to be careful and respectful to the cards, they were in such pristine new deck order, it might take you a few minutes to put them back into order”
unless, I can snap my finger, and make every single card goes back to its original order.
(Nash spreads cards face up on the table to show they are back in order)
Ace thru king of Clubs, Ace thru to King Hearts, Diamonds, and Spades
The same way they’ve always been in your purse.
(Audience applauses, Nash walks across stage back to the red dot)
I put the cards back in the box, handed it back to the lady.
and she had, the biggest smile on her face.
She extended both arms outward, pulled me in a gave me a hug.
And she said “thank you”

But in fact, I should be the one who thank her
Because when someone shares their vulnerability and pain with you, it is actually your privilege.
And the real magic is, how you choose to acknowledge them, how you stay present with them during that moment.
So, do you know someone who can use the magic of your presence, today?